I’m midway through a HypnoBirthing series. We’ve spent 3 weeks talking about the amazing power of the female body, the physiology of labor, how the pelvic structure was designed for birth and how the mind and body influence one another. I have watched my students begin to shift from tensely bracing for a complicated and possibly traumatic experience, to becoming more actively involved and empowered in making their own choices in how they welcome their babies into their arms.
Then I open my inbox, and see the words I hate to see from a student. “I just heard the worst birth story from my friend…” My heart sinks. She goes on to describe how a friend at a backyard barbeque had recounted the story of his wife’s “brutal” labor – this was the word he apparently used- and that this story had been further reinforced by another friend who worked as a midwife who had commented that it would be almost impossible for a baby over 10 pounds to fit through a first-time mother’s pelvis. In reading her account of this event it becomes that she is terrified of these images of labor and birth. Far from envisioning herself empowered and joyfully welcoming her baby, the internal image has now rotated to focus on the pain and agony she may be in for, and the traumatic experience which she feels completely unable to now escape.
I have encountered this problem in numerous childbirth classes, where the stories and off hand comments about the birth process often overshadow the confidence we seek to develop. When my students begin learning about labor and birth, many are surprised to hear it framed as a physical process, where muscles work together without need for force or manipulation. My hope is I can give them a new framework to view their labor, and in doing so, help them to take control of their own experience. Far from shielding them from negative information, I am giving them context for when certain interventions could be necessary, but also explaining that in the majority of cases, the body actually does just fine on its own. But the stories shared in casual moments usually lack the context of what lead up to them, so what is to stop an expecting parent for simply imagining herself in the scenario, and cue the fear response! Worse still, in my student’s case, the well meaning midwife friend also came with the label of “expert”, giving those statements even more power and invluence, whether intended or not.
Certainly there are challenging labors, and there are aspects of medical intervention which may be necessary and even appealing to an expecting mom. I am not suggesting that we should birth babies in ignorance or without knowledge of possible complications, nor am I suggesting that labor does not involve some intense sensation. And pregnant people are not so fragile that we must shield them from anything even remotely negative regarding the birth experience. But if someone chooses to focus their attention during birth preparation on the more positive sides of the process, even if only for a short time, it is not our place as friends, parents, or even birth professionals to then share the negative sides again. Let’s be honest, most of us have heard those far more often. Why strip the first inklings of a coping mechanism before it has had time to develop? As students learn more about the physiology of the body, and the hormonal process of birth, there is an inner awakening of excitement and confidence not previously felt. These tender little shoots of hope that this could be a positive birth experience need some nurturing, and it breaks my heart when I hear that right in the midst of a discovery of power and empowerment, they were smooshed by someone who felt it was necessary to share yet another birth horror story.
Not everyone comes to HypnoBirthing with this anxiety, but most do, and it’s easy to see why. We only have to look at depiction of birth in the media to see how we reinforce it as an awful experience over and over. It’s not that birth doesn’t have intensity and maybe discomfort, but it can also have intense joy, love and connection, not to mention empowerment for the birthing person who is respected and listened to. And once someone has stepped more fully into their own power and confidence, then there is context from which to view and hear these stories, or to choose to see them as a single experience rather than a projection of what is to come.
The choice in how we birth is a very personal one, and one which comes with an entire personal history of emotions and experiences we may be working through. There is no one right way to birth, except for the one that is right for this birthing person, and this baby, on this birth day. Given everyone is working with their own inner dialogue, and their own history, we need more awareness brought to how we share stories with our expecting friends. Even further we might recognize that if someone is choosing to focus on the positive aspects of their labor for the moment, it is not our job to share the possible negative impacts. As much as I want expectant parents to be prepared for their births, scaring them with stories of what can go wrong does not offer tools for how to avoid it. It may help the story-teller feel better (hey, those stories are sometimes exciting to share!), but it doesn’t help the birthing parent. Instead, what if we trusted our pregnant friends and colleagues to make the right decisions for themselves, helped them to find evidence based, well researched information, and then let them choose their own path forward, without the editorials. Then we can all share our birth stories with our children in our arms, and we might find out how amazing birth can really be!