I recently thought back on how having a mindfulness practice helped me in my life as both a yogi and a parent, and I realized that one of the most powerful ways it shifted things, was it helped me be friendly with my own inner critic, which has then helped me be more aware and present as a parent.
I remember the day I first realized there was a difference between my thoughts and my responses to them. I was doing a solo meditation retreat (no you don't need to do one of these), and it was the final sit of the final day. I was sitting alone in the shrine room (as usual) and listening to my mind debate back and forth whether I was doing a good meditation (also as usual), and I was feeling generally depressed because I hadn't found the clarity I had been hoping for on this intensive.
And then in the midst of this mental noise when I heard a voice in my head ask. "Who are you talking to?" The question was clear, and crisp, and had a mildly amused tone to it. Of course the answer became obvious. There was no one in the room, and there never had been. I had been talking to myself for the past 5 days.
And in that moment I realized this was the voice I was trying to find. The one who would be coming home with me. And I then spent the next 2 hours trying to get to know her.
Being able to hear my own thoughts before I reacted made a huge difference. It meant I became aware of all the little times when something rubbed me the wrong way, and all the times when I was enjoying something. But instead of trying to make the irritations disappear immediately I was able to hear the thought "I like this" or "I don't like that", and in the moment of hearing it there was a moment of pause. In that pause I could make a choice. I could decide whether to get annoyed, or just let it pass. Even more amazingly, if there were moments when I wasn't able to find that pause, I was able to see that I'd overreacted much faster, and was able to find some compassion for myself when I did. It wasn't just on the cushion. The voice followed me out of the shrine room, and into the rest of my life. After all, she was my own mind.
The practice of meditation is called "gom" in Tibetan or the process of becoming familiar with something. At the most fundamental level, when we embark on mindful and meditative practices we are becoming more friendly and familiar with our own minds. And knowing our own internal mental patterns is the first step in not continuing those patterns, and forging new ones; with our children, with ourselves, and throughout our lives. This is one of the places where meditation practice intersects with being a parent. Right from the moment of conception we are inundated by social pressures and opinions about how we should be as pregnant people and then as parents. Without awareness, it is all too easy to be swayed by these other voices and take them on as our own.
The second yoga sutra defines yoga as “Yogas chitta vritti nirodha” which usually translates as “Yoga is the cessation of the fluctuations of the mind.” This isn’t a permanent state, rather this comes in flashes. There are these quick moments when you recognize that you’ve gone quietly present in the moment, and then the flood of thinking comes rushing back in. But in those quiet spaces the yoga sutras say we can clearly see who we are. We are able to rest in the truth of our own being without the labels, pressures, or hats we might wear at other times. Essentially, we are able to hear that voice in our own head that is ourselves, and we have a chance to get to know her (or him).
Why really get to know this voice and this internal “self”? Well because if we are fully grounded in knowing who we are then when things come up which don’t fit for us, we aren’t thrown off our seat quite so much. We are more able to be confident in our own choices because we know what our deeper “self” is saying. It is easier to see whether this particular pressure, or tantrum, or judgment is actually worth focusing on when we aren’t also caught up in our own whirlwind of internal thoughts and reactions. (In my experience the tantrum usually isn’t worth focusing on- It’s more important to connect )
This is why I strive to give parents and expecting people the tools for practicing mindfulness. If you've been reading my other blog posts you know that I have had my own missteps. Being friendly with this voice doesn't mean we don't fly off the handle sometimes. But it does mean we are able to see it more clearly, and having seen it we might be able to extend some compassion and soften towards ourselves, and towards whatever situation we are currently caught in.
I'm so grateful to have heard this voice in my head, and I'm even more grateful for the practices she has allowed me to discover outside of formal meditation and yoga practice.
Key Takeaways:
Meditation practice is really a process of becoming more familiar with our own mind and ourselves.
When a thought fully captures your attention and you notice you have a choice of whether to react or let it go
With regular practice we are able to hear the internal monologue more clearly and more quickly
When we are able to hear and get to know this internal voice, we become more fully grounded in our own experience and are more able to observe our mind rather than being driven by it.